Becoming a mum..
Becoming a Mum, as cliché as it sounds has been one of the most rewarding things that has ever happened to me. But I’m not going to lie, it doesn’t always feel this way.
Growing up I always wanted to be a mum. I couldn’t wait to have children one day and I’d been nagging Marcus for years to have a baby. When that time came, it was N O T what I was expecting. During my pregnancy I was so obsessed with researching everything to do with labour – advice, tips, anything. I just wanted to get through it because once labour was over it’s all down hill from there right? WRONG!
I expected to walk out of that hospital room with that natural mum instinct, I would somehow know everything I needed to care for this baby and it would be simple. I was preparing for the weeks ahead of staying at home relaxing and bonding with my baby. I actually felt sorry for Marcus – the poor guy had to work everyday while I got to do nothing. Truth was, I had no idea what I was in for. I certainly wasn’t expecting that soul filling anxiety I would get whenever Charlie cried because I knew he needed me. I never imagined I would be showering 4 times a day just so I could get away from it all and cry alone. I found myself calling my parents and in laws to take him away most nights, and when they couldn’t I remember so clearly the feeling of that burn in the back of my throat as I tried to fight back my tears. I just wasn’t coping. He was looked after so much in the first few of months that I would cry myself to sleep every night wondering if he even knew that I was his mummy. It was a mix of hormones, frustration, shock and guilt because I was already failing as a mother.
My mum raised me to tell everyone that everything was always ‘fine’. So when friends and family would ask how everything was going it was ‘amazing’, becoming a mum was the most enjoyable experience, he’s sleeping through the night and we are already best friends. Honestly every story from people in my life was such a positive, happy and easy going experience with motherhood – which is why I guess I felt so confused and guilty when I wasn’t feeling the same. I wonder how many of them were even telling me the truth? I wonder how many showers they took everyday? Now I’ve chosen not to be that mum, not to tell everyone it’s peachy when it’s not. I certainly don’t tell everyone I meet just how hard I found it, because they may not, but I just don’t hype up about the non-existent bond I had with Charlie during those first few months.
Post-natal depression is something I still struggle with 19 months later. I sometimes find myself wanting to be around other people when I’m with Charlie because for some reason I feel a little less anxious. As discussions begin with my partner about trying for another baby next year I feel all of the anxiety and emotions come rushing back. As much as I always dreamt of that close age gap, initially it was meant to be 14 months, #vomit, I just question weather it’s something I’m ready for just yet. Everyone around me tells me ‘the second is always easier’, it doesn’t make me feel any less scared. I’ve begun seeing a counsellor once a week to work through these emotions and to start thinking about some of the actions I’m going to take with Bebe #2.
Possibly my biggest regret was trying to deal with these emotions all on my own. I already know my family will be there for me as they were last time, but I feel this time I will reach out to a professional at the time. I never realised it would still be having an affect on me 19 months later, so the best way I’ve learnt is to deal with it head on early!
Being a mum has truly been the best thing to happen to me, but also it’s been the scariest and the hardest. Some days I have my good days where I feel like I’m totally acing this mum gig, but other days I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to deal. Just remember, that it’s okay to feel like this. Weather you are finding this the easiest job in the world or if your crying 25 times a day because your finding it so hard just remember that you are doing an amazing job and these scary emotions will pass with the right support.
Peace and love,
Jess, xo.
Thank you so much for writing this! I’ve just become a mum to my son Charlie and i was expecting it to be so easy! But i have been so depressed for every little thing i can’t cope with. Its nice to know im not alone!
You are such a brave and wonderful mum!
Enjoyed reading your blog. I have a 9 month old ‘ve y boy. I felt the same way the first few months I was at home with him. I was terrified of failing him and being labeled a bad mother. What helped me was openly talking to my partner. He’s the one who told me, it’s OK to need a break. The baby is learning about you, just as you are learning about the baby. Don’t be hard in yourself. Social media is a very negative environment to get into when you feel overwhelm. Just remember, most people only post the pretty and perfect parts of their lives.
You are not alone in this Jess, i have struggled with PND and depression for many years. The horrible feeling that you’re supposed to be happy because you’ve got a perfect healthy family but you just can’t be. I’ve been there. Just know there is a way out of feeling this and you will be okay again. You don’t have to feel trapped any more, you’re doing everything you should be doing. Also, don’t feel guilty for reaching out to people for their help when you needed it most, depression/PND is a serious condition and it literally alters your brain and the chemistry in your body. You did not choose this. Charlie won’t ever think of you as a bad mother and neither should you. Although its easier said than done, give yourself a bit of credit for all the good you do. Mothers have a very hard time and you have not only stayed strong, reached out for help but you are now also helping other parents. Kudos to you babe. P.s always here if you ever need anything, please remember that x